An Assassin's Lament

Ok, probably not, but wow, it’s been a while. Hope all of you are good. I’ll try to write more often.

Can you see the irony in my picture? Let me know.

I've been in this battle for far too long, and now as I look into the distance, I see nothing that resembles what they promised would be there. And when I look behind, I see nothing that reminds me of who I was or where I came from. Nothing but the ruins that I helped build with my own hands. All around me, lay the stench of dead rotting bits and pieces of what little hope I had. With all these visions haunting my mind and soiling my heart, I have begun to wonder if this battle was worth it, or will ever be worth it? Would I be a coward if I took flight, instead of standing and fighting till the end? Would I add this battle to my already bulging stash of regrets?

When it storms, you tend to hide in the darkest places. Making yourself a bed in a corner, under a blanket, or in the darkest dampest crevices that you call solitude. And even when the storms subside, you seem to feel so comfortable there, that you convince yourself that the sun can't be trusted anymore. Is it because you take comfort in knowing that you're untouchable from the wind and the rain that taps on the roof of your heart? Is it because you can't see anything beyond the darkness that consumes you? Is it because you think the world is in a Hollywood conspiracy to frame you?

Don't be scared, open your eyes and look outside. For when the sun finally breaks through the clouds, I assure you, it is a sight to see.

I'm at a point in my journey, where I can finally see that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It's still a bit off in the distance, but just seeing it gives me a hope that I never had before. There really aren't any other options for me anymore, other then to continue on this road until the end. It's no longer a matter of "if?" anymore, but a matter of "when?"

So for inspiration, like all Adam Sandler movies, I've resorted to that awe inspiring line "You can do it" to crack a smile whenever I get tired and weary. And even though my Nike sneakers are old and worn, I keep them on because every time I lean over to catch my breath, I can't help but be reminded to "Just do it" when I don't wanna do it anymore. I just keep telling myself that "Everything I do, I do it for you" and sooner or later, I get tired of fighting myself and I just end up thinking "Do me, baby." And even when I'm finally done doing it, I just tell myself to "Do that to me one more time." because once is never enough with a man like me. Because yeah, you and me, we ain't nothing but mammals so "let's do it like they do" on the discovery channel.

Ok... I think I lost my train of thought somewhere there.

I feel guilty. Guilty because I'm trying so hard not to think about her or miss her. And most of the time, I'm pretty successful at blocking her out of my mind, but every now and then, I slip and that's when all the memories start pouring in. That's when the tears start to drown me. That's when the "What ifs" and "Whys" start rumbling around in my head.

It's been almost a year now since she left me. And I'm still trying so hard to get over her, but I just can't. And I know for sure that I will never be able to. I'm not one to believe much in love at first sight, but with her, it was real. Although I don't remember much about the first time I saw her, I do know for sure that I fell in love then and there. I always thought she would be with me forever. Guess I was wrong. I love you mom, goodbye.

-

Kuv hlub thiab nco koj os niam. Thov koj zam txim rau kuv os niam, vim kuv txoj hmoov tsis zoo es kuv hlub thiaj tsis tau koj txaus os. Thov wb tau ua ob niam tub dua lawm tiam. Sib ntsib dua os kuv niam.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X0lg5eMd4g4
(a video I made for her, years ago, that she never saw)
.

So I watched a show about polar bears, and one scene involved a mother polar bear and her cub, with the mother actively pounding the snowy ground in search of a seal. The commentator said something about how he felt compassion for the seal who can do nothing but just stay quiet and hope he isn't found. Yet at the same time, he felt it necessary for the polar bear to catch the seal, for the sake of the cub and even ultimately keeping the seal population from growing too big. Soon enough, the polar bear finds the seal, but luck was on the seal's side that day as he managed to get away through a hole into the sea below.

In this cruel cruel world, it's only natural for us to feel compassion for a victim. Whether it be a lion being taken down by ten hyenas, or a wildebeest being taken down by two lions. We usually feel compassion, and we may even have thoughts of wanting to help the victims. But should we interfere with nature? Should we meddle with the circle of life? There is a very delicate balance of nature, and if we break it, the consequences are usually profound.

This can be applied to animals, and humans... look at Iraq.

A few years ago, I visited Las Vegas for the first time; it was one of the many places I had promised myself I would visit before my dying days. Although I had always dreamed of going with a significant other, as it turned out, my company was nothing more than a bunch of aging old horny men, who coincidentally were all married, and incidentally were all my best friends. I still couldn't have had a better time, it was my place of calling. And even though I spent most of my time in the poker rooms trying to read poker faces, while they spent most of their time trying to give substance to the famous saying "what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas." it was like a dream come true. I don't even smoke, but one cold night there, a friend and I stood outside on the sunset strip, and smoked up a whole pack, giving away free smokes to passerbys who asked. I loved it there, maybe not so much Vegas itself, but maybe just the feeling of being a stranger in a strange place.

Home is home, and don't get me wrong, I love home. Heck, I even get homesick while at work. But strangely enough, I love feeling that way. It's as if I have this free spirit inside of me that just wants to travel, to be up all night under the bright lights with people who never sleep. Perhaps I'm an adventurer, transplanted into a white collar worker's body, perhaps I'm a vampire finally realizing my thirst, perhaps I just like it where no one knows my name. Who knows? But when I was young, I had quite a few opportunities to travel, and travel I did. Of course that was different though, that was with adults, and I never got to fully enjoy my travels. We all know adults won't let us have real fun. Maybe Vegas was more of a love letter to my childhood.

Even my favorite shows these days ("Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations" and "Exotic Foods with Andrew Zimmer") are centered around traveling to different locations, enjoying different foods, and experiencing different cultures. Oh, how I would kill to have their jobs. I would gladly pay money to do what they do, and yet I'm sure they get paid quite handsomely. Life is so unfair. Oh well, I did make a resolution that I would try to travel more this year, even if it's just across state lines to Wisconsin, or just in state to places like Duluth. I'll find a way to do it... I envy all you people who are homesick.

I don't think I slept much while in Vegas. I don't think I sleep much at all. I'm often asked why I stay up so late at night... It’s because I’m up dreaming, and it's because strays don't sleep.

Some people aren't afraid to take trains. Me? For some reason, I've always been afraid. Every time I get to the train station, I'd sit back, wait, and when its finally time to board, I'd get on, only to turn around and get right back off again. It's scary. Scary because I don't know where it's headed, scary because I may not know what to do when I get there. Where ever there is?

So I let train, after train, pass me by. As I can only stare at the people leaving, and wonder if they'll make it to where they want to go. I also wonder "Is that the train the train I've been waiting for?" So many people come to the station and board, one after another. Some people return, but most, I never see again. Even my friends have all left this lonely place, but here I am, still.. I guess I'll never know what it's like there, where they are. I don't know why I just can't put enough faith in trains. Maybe it's because I've heard too many bad stories about trains, or maybe it's because I conjured up those stories to justify my lack of faith.

These days, there are fewer and fewer trains that pass by these areas. Most of the time, the trains don't even stop. They just go right on by. I'm starting to feel as if sooner or later, they'll close down this train station, and no more trains will come. So now, I'm working hard on trying to overcome my fears. I don't know, maybe one day, just maybe, I can finally take a train out of here.

But since they rarely stop here anymore, I guess I just might have to chase one down.